Too much to ask

I am really pissed off you know when it's my birthday all I do is run around trying to please everyone else making sure where I want to eat is where everyone else want's to eat too it's never where do you want to eat it's Everyone else want's to eat here is that cool well if it's not your just a spoiled brat so suck it up we can eat anywhere 364 days out of the year but on your b-day we want to eat where we want to eat. Oh well you have plans on your b-day then the hell with you we will grill out and make sure that we make food you really don't even want to eat Happy Friggin Birth Day To YOU!

This is what get's under my skin when I ask someone where they want to go for there b-day or what they want to eat for there b-day i don't say no i don't want to eat there or eat that....I eat what they want where they want b/c it's one day that they have and if they have plans I don't hold that agenst them I know that they have friends and family I wait till it's convient for them but can I get the same in return never I half to take the one day just for me and make sure it's all about you tooo.

You get your day and mine and if I say anything about it then I just don't deserve anything at all I'm just spoiled and selfish to want one day my damn day to do what I want and you know what if I celebrate my day with more than one person then who gives a shit if my one day turns in to more than one at least know that I was happy for more than one day geese but you can't give that to me can you no it's just too much to think that I could actually be happy. SO IN CONCLUSHION I JUST GIVE THE FUCK UP HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT YOUR'S TOO BECAOUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO YOU BUY MY CAKE AND YOU EAT IT THEN I BUY YOU ONE AND YOU EAT THAT ONE.

FUCK ALL YOU BITCHES I BOYCOTT MY OWN DAMN B-DAY NEXT YEAR MY B-DAY IS OFFICALLY CHANGED TO JUNE THE 7 THAT'S WHEN I WILL GET MY DAY AND YOUR NOT FUCKING INVITED. SO WHEN MY B-DAY ACTUALLY COMES AROUND THEN I CAN LET YOU HAVE YOUR DAMN DAY AND NOT BE SO DISAPOINTED.

Marrage

you know it's said that every lil girl dreams of there Wedding day dreams of their perfect Wedding....You know that I was never that girl it was never my Dream nothing I ever thought of....a few years ago I though about it funny I never gave it thought until I was at least 23 something every girl is to want....it's never been me I've never been the one to live happily ever after with 1.5 kids a picket fence and a lil dog named toto....I have been the one on the outside looking in....the one in be back yard of mom's house or dad's house or grandma's house looking at the kids who's mother and father were in the same house wishing it was something I had...no matter how bad it hurt....Maybe I'm scared that I will never be that mother I will never have that husband....but Marriage is something that I just didn't accept for me...To think that it could be possible is so inconceivably unfathomable so insanity not right it scares me to death...I think that the problem is in my family the step after marriage is Divorce and just wonder how long it will take before I half to go through the next step...funny my dad is alone, my mom has often told me that she understands why it's better to be alone, both grandma's are alone...and both grandpa's are alone thought I don't talk to ether one of them...So it seems that to break this chain of alone i would want to get married for It would seem I'm scared to be alone but maybe I'm scared of it all alone.....together....failure.....devorce.....pain....everything that could come but everyone tells me it's up to me to break all the chains...but how do i know if I'm breaking chains....if I'm building them up just to be torn apart...if I'm just holding on to nothing to keep the chains from breaking while loosing myself....if I'm creating new chains how do we know if what were doing will be fruitful or a disaster...I don't know but fear of it all it all I know now looking to me to be different to change it all it's that just setting me up to fall........

The Short End Of The Stick

Ok so I mad and for good reason I do believe but w/e I don't care I want to write this if I offend you I'm sorry I'm ranting so deal with it! I don't know what people with the short end of the stick are supousto do everyone says suck it up get over it move on. WELL YOU KNO WHAT I SAY TO THOSE PEOPLE GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF! You know what I'm tired of being the one who has to suck it up to you it has happend once or twice but me I've sucked it up for 24 years and i know the ones of you who have had it bad agree with me. Yes it's like my dad said we have money and roofs over our heads but damn why is it that that's the things that are picking us up while the rest of you are saying well i have a nice car a nice house a good job yadda yadda yadda oh poor you your toilet back up well get the hell over it. I men the biggest thing that happens to you is nothing but when life starts kicking me you have no sympathy. I have had 3 Damn jobs 3 and 2 out of 3 have FUCKING SCREWED ME OVER....so you say get over it both of those jobs I have done nothing to deserve it the 1st one I didn't flirt with the FUCKING 40 YEAR OLD MANNAGER, and the 2ND THE OWNER WANT TO PUT MORE MONEY IN HAS BACK POCKET AND THE PERSON WHO I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND WANTED TO GET ME OUT B/C I KNEW TOO MUCH AND KNEW THE WRONG PEOPLE! Get over it well how would you like it if you put your hand on the burner 2x and get burnt then how the hell are you not supoust to freak out about putting you damn hand back on the burner even when the Damn thing is not turned on and you still get burnt. I agree with some advice I got maybe I should go in to buisness with myself at least I won't fire me for not sleeping whith the mannager.....(that one is a joke that was never the reason that I got fired) Too bad the people who have fucked me over and pissed me off are the ones that will never read this sometimes I would like them to know that I'm not that stupid and I do know what they did to me but alass what can you do. I know that the people who were kicked all their lives get a break sometime but I am really waiting for that some time to come. I know that people say oh have a kid I want a granchild well with the curse that has been placed on this family you really want to bring a kid in this world so you your kid with the damn silver spoon in their mouth and screw over my kid like you did me I think not I would rather keep that unborn baby in heaven so he never has to pick his/her self out of the gutter after everyone tramples him/her. Hell if i could have stayed up their and had less mess and not half to deal with you ass hole ( and you know who I'm talking about don't go getting your ass on you shoulders) I would have said to hell with you I'm staying right here in heaven where I sould live. I just needed to blow a lil steem for all these people who sit on the damn burner and never smell the stink of there own fake ass that gets burnt while they ? as to why they loose all their friends when they swatted them like flys and crushed them youner there fat cat heels on their way up let them and their damn money burn! I really am sad what you fuckers will never know what it's like to be squashed but at least I'm not burning in hell for it. SO you go on and tell your self oh well they will be ok they will pull them selves up it's not my fault they got fired b/c i didn't like their hair cut enjoy your money and yourself b/c at the end of the day when all is said and done I can look in the mirror and see someone who has worth who never sold out their friends who never back stabbed their way to the top and who never compromised who they are for mone and you stay in your ivory tower till it burns you up from the inside out. You may look pretty and shiney from the outside but your cold dark heart will find you out you selfraghous bastards! SO ya I'm pissed and I want to stop to give up but I won't let me wallow in my FUCKING PITTY YOU ASS WHIPE while you sit their and sip you coco by the fire in your perfect lil house...what do you give a shit i know that it's eating at you what you did but what's one more bite out of that pittiful thing you call your hear I bat you bairly even know it's their. While it hurts me when thing like this happen b/c I do have a heart and I do care about people....SO FOUCK YOU ALL GO TO HELL AND SUCK ON YOUR LIMONS YOU FUCK SELF CENTERED ASSS HOLES I DON"T GIVE A SHIT ANY MORE!
(thank you for letting me throw that out there I hope that this has helped me in some way)

You know my mom says that I'm safe everything that I'm doing I do b/c i'm safe. I just read a story that hit me hard b/c she loved a boy that was not safe he let her go or so she thought and she found someone safe but the boy that hurt her came back and she went with hime not b/c he as safe b/c she lved him. I love safe I've never had safe never been safe. I don't think stable is a word that can ever be used in my life nothing is ever safe or stable for me. I'm just so scared.....I'm not normal I think that if people knew who I really was I would be up on the 7th floor or at the very least seeing a shrink. I have so many issues no one really knew how bad i hated myself untill today I finally let someone see what i was capable of and the weird thing is it didn't scare him, he didn't run away he didn't let me run away he grabbed me and heild me I was something stright out of a phyco flick and he held me in his lap till I quit crying. I look in the mirrow and hardly ever even look at my face people wonder why i take such pride in my hair that's why it's the only thing I see the only thing I allow myself to see I hate the rest of the immage that I don't even realize that its' there. Not looking at me is how i get through each day if I did i would never leave the house. Everything that I see when i look in to that mirrow and don't look at he looks at every horriable thing I have seen that face do or say he has seen that face do or say. The diffrence is he still looks at the face with love while I look at it with pure undiniying hate. I want to be that person everyone see's on the outside I want to be normal I want to be happy I want to try.....but I don't try for fear of failing it's not just fear of failing but the beliefe that I will always fail. I told him when i first met him several times to let me go b/c everything that I touched fell appart and I cursed it but he didn't let me go. If I had seen someone do in front of me what I did infront of him I think I would have just let them go but he didn't let me go. We may have a weird disfunctional relationship but I think that might be the only one I can have.