You know my mom says that I'm safe everything that I'm doing I do b/c i'm safe. I just read a story that hit me hard b/c she loved a boy that was not safe he let her go or so she thought and she found someone safe but the boy that hurt her came back and she went with hime not b/c he as safe b/c she lved him. I love safe I've never had safe never been safe. I don't think stable is a word that can ever be used in my life nothing is ever safe or stable for me. I'm just so scared.....I'm not normal I think that if people knew who I really was I would be up on the 7th floor or at the very least seeing a shrink. I have so many issues no one really knew how bad i hated myself untill today I finally let someone see what i was capable of and the weird thing is it didn't scare him, he didn't run away he didn't let me run away he grabbed me and heild me I was something stright out of a phyco flick and he held me in his lap till I quit crying. I look in the mirrow and hardly ever even look at my face people wonder why i take such pride in my hair that's why it's the only thing I see the only thing I allow myself to see I hate the rest of the immage that I don't even realize that its' there. Not looking at me is how i get through each day if I did i would never leave the house. Everything that I see when i look in to that mirrow and don't look at he looks at every horriable thing I have seen that face do or say he has seen that face do or say. The diffrence is he still looks at the face with love while I look at it with pure undiniying hate. I want to be that person everyone see's on the outside I want to be normal I want to be happy I want to try.....but I don't try for fear of failing it's not just fear of failing but the beliefe that I will always fail. I told him when i first met him several times to let me go b/c everything that I touched fell appart and I cursed it but he didn't let me go. If I had seen someone do in front of me what I did infront of him I think I would have just let them go but he didn't let me go. We may have a weird disfunctional relationship but I think that might be the only one I can have.