Marrage

you know it's said that every lil girl dreams of there Wedding day dreams of their perfect Wedding....You know that I was never that girl it was never my Dream nothing I ever thought of....a few years ago I though about it funny I never gave it thought until I was at least 23 something every girl is to want....it's never been me I've never been the one to live happily ever after with 1.5 kids a picket fence and a lil dog named toto....I have been the one on the outside looking in....the one in be back yard of mom's house or dad's house or grandma's house looking at the kids who's mother and father were in the same house wishing it was something I had...no matter how bad it hurt....Maybe I'm scared that I will never be that mother I will never have that husband....but Marriage is something that I just didn't accept for me...To think that it could be possible is so inconceivably unfathomable so insanity not right it scares me to death...I think that the problem is in my family the step after marriage is Divorce and just wonder how long it will take before I half to go through the next step...funny my dad is alone, my mom has often told me that she understands why it's better to be alone, both grandma's are alone...and both grandpa's are alone thought I don't talk to ether one of them...So it seems that to break this chain of alone i would want to get married for It would seem I'm scared to be alone but maybe I'm scared of it all alone.....together....failure.....devorce.....pain....everything that could come but everyone tells me it's up to me to break all the chains...but how do i know if I'm breaking chains....if I'm building them up just to be torn apart...if I'm just holding on to nothing to keep the chains from breaking while loosing myself....if I'm creating new chains how do we know if what were doing will be fruitful or a disaster...I don't know but fear of it all it all I know now looking to me to be different to change it all it's that just setting me up to fall........